Drabbles: Twilight Saga
by Jessica314
Summary: This is a collection of silly-drabbles relating to the Twilight Saga. Just for fun :)
1. soap operas

**Hi everyone! This is a random collection of silly drabbles I've written for the Twilight Saga. Most of them have been posted before on my Tumblr ( jessicanjpa), I just want to be able to keep them in one place and this way more people can enjoy them. And they're *so* short, please don't feel like you have to review or anything. Just laugh and enjoy :)**

Jasper secretly likes soap operas, Dr. Phil and all other kinds of daytime television because he gets to analyze people's emotional drama without his gift.

* * *

 **Emmett:** Dude, let's go rassle up some bears! Come on!

 **Jasper:** Not now. (Mumbles something Inaudible)

 **Emmett:** what?

 **Jasper:** (mumbles again)

 **Emmett:** WHAT?

 **Edward:** *rolls eyes* He doesn't want to miss The Young and the Restless, Emmett.


	2. fermi problem

Carlisle is the math geek of the vampire world. He's totally creating a Fermi problem to calculate how many strands of hair are on newborn!Esme's head as he thumbs through it.

* * *

 **Esme:** mm, that feels lovely… *stretches temptingly*

 **Carlisle:** seven thousand and… what?

 **Esme:** *sigh* never mind.


	3. scalpel

So, AU in which Carlisle is present at the birth.

I can just see Edward zooming in to bite through the amniotic sac…

Carlisle: What are you DOING?

Edward: Delivering the baby! There's no time! *opens jaws*

Carlisle: *silently opens drawer and hands Edward vampire-tooth scalpel*

Edward:*stand up sheepishly* ah. Yes, thank you.

Carlisle: If I can come up with the idea of a venom syringe, doesn't it follow that I would consider other surgical instruments? Really, Edward. We are not barbarians.

Edward: *awe/shame* I wouldn't have thought of that.

Carlisle: And this is why I'M the coven leader.


	4. the Cullen Family Plan

I can just imagine the responses Carlisle would get from all the nomads if he tried to sign them up for the Cullen Family Plan, just as a precaution after the events of Breaking Dawn.

* * *

Garrett: why would I want to carry a cell? The whole point of being a nomad is to be FREE.

Peter: If I tried to go into an internet café to recharge this, I'd eat everyone before the battery thing beeps.

Amun (hyperventilating): Why are you giving me this thing? There's a GPS tracker embedded inside, isn't there?! How much did Aro pay you?!

Benjamin: Yay new toy! *accidentally creates tornado in excitement, phone breaks*

Mary: I never liked you anyway. Why would I want to talk to you again after this?

Liam: Typical English. Always trying to micromanage their friends.

Zafrina: In case you haven't noticed, there's no electricity or cell service in the Amazon.

Alistair: *holds phone up in Carlisle's face and crumbles it before turning and leaving*


	5. the Sitting

The Sitting: Solimena's last painting

 **Caius:** (whispering without moving mouth) We'll need to cancel the rest of the sitting, or move to another room. The sunlight will move over here in a few minutes.

 **Aro:** But that's perfect! I've always wanted to be painted with my sparkle on!

 **Caius:** We'll have to kill him, then.

 **Aro:** Tragic… but yes, these sacrifices must be made sometimes. I _will_ sparkle for posterity, no matter what it takes.

 **Solimena:** Your honors! I implore you to be still and quiet, as I am attempting to capture your lordliness!

 **Aro:** (human volume) Our apologies, maestro! We were merely discussing our plans for luncheon.

 **Marcus:** Dibs.

 **Carlisle:** *sigh*


	6. syringe

**Edward:** Let me get this straight. You want me to drool my poison into a syringe and stick it in a drawer for God knows how many weeks, in hopes that stabbing her heart with it MIGHT save her life in the event of cardiac arrest? And that's assuming the venom HASN'T eaten through the syringe, the drawer, and the floor itself by then?!

 **Carlisle:** (frowns) You make it sound so barbaric.

 **Edward:** You're insane. No.

 **Carlisle:** You'd rather take the risk of her heart not lasting through the birth, and losing her when an experimental idea could have saved her life?

 **Edward:**

 **Carlisle:** Now, let me finish. I have a few ideas that will make this more likely to succeed… (insert genius ideas on metallurgy, animal testing, and the venom-viability experiments that Carlisle did years ago in the basement)


	7. lingerie

(inspired by a scene during Esme's transformation in "The Face of All the World" by staringatthesky: Edward gets sent emergency-shopping for women's clothing)

I'm still laughing at the image of Edward standing in the women's lingerie department!

Salesclerk (giving him a weird look, and no doubt some very judgmental thoughts): so, what size is this "sister" of yours? I'll need her measurements, if I'm to put together anything useful.

Edward: Um…. small?

Salesclerk: I mean, what's her cup size? underwear size?

Edward: what's a cup?

Salesclerk: You know, brassiere? (thinking: he ought to know, he's obviously sleeping with her! sister, indeed!)

Edward (blushing to his toes, had he any blood): oh, ah, um… regular, I suppose…

Salesclerk (now joined by two other salesclerks, giggling): how big around is her chest, young man! And her waist, and hips?

Edward (now wishing he could just die): uh… (draws a silhouette in the air) yea big?

Salesclerk (thoroughly enjoying herself now): And does she prefer lace or satin? Knee-length slip or full length slip? Nude stockings or black?

Edward (snapping his teeth shut): did I mention I'm in a hurry? I'm. in. a. hurry. Just. Put. Something. In. The. God. Forsaken. Bag. 


	8. that was easy

Alternate ending to Breaking Dawn: When Alice has her vision about the Volturi coming, Carlisle naturally picks up the phone and calls Aro to explain everything and thus prevent all the unpleasantness.

…..

Aro: Ah, Carlisle! it's been centuries, my old friend!

Carlisle: Hello, Aro. Forgive my abruptness, but there is a delicate matter we need to discuss. Has Irina gotten there yet?

Aro: Irina? Why would she, of all people, come here?

Carlisle: Yes, ah, she is under the mistaken impression that my family is harboring an immortal child. I believe she is en route to inform you of our "crime". She has lost her mate, and is in a bit of an emotional tizzy at the moment.

Aro: (giddy voice) How exciting! I assume you are completely innocent of the charges, old friend?

Carlisle: Of course.

Aro: But… there *is* a child?

Carlisle: Yes, but not an immortal one. A hybrid has been conceived- she is growing and learning rapidly, and is already in control of her very minute thirst.

Aro: OH MY! :D I assume Edward and his pet human are the happy parents?

Carlisle: Yes. And that is the other reason I called- to inform you that we have fulfilled the law. Bella has been transformed.

Aro: How delightful. And of course I believe you, my dear friend. Only…

Carlisle (sighs, sharing a glance with Alice): yes?

Aro: I mean no offense, but I'm sure you understand our need to verify your claims to innocence. Perhaps a little visit…

Carlisle: That won't be necessary. You and I can meet in a neutral location- public, if you don't mind- and you will have all the evidence you need.

Aro: It would be my pleasure!

THE END.


	9. angst-free Edward

AU drabble: Angst-Free Edward

This is for all you people who say you're tired of Edward's angst. Let's see what happens when you get your wish. (loosely inspired by Silque's AU in progress, "Concerto", a great read with lots of lovely Chopin nocturnes and an adorable Edward!)

.

Edward: "Bella… now that we've known each other for a few days, there's something I need to tell you."

Bella: *deep breath* I had a feeling there was something. Okay, shoot.

Edward: "I'm actually an undead monster, commonly called a vampire, and yes we DO drink blood, but it's okay because we usually try to bite animals, not people. I'm over a hundred years old, and I've murdered a fair amount of people, though I promise it's been a while. You're my eternal mate, which means you have no choice in the matter, but that's okay, because I don't either! My psychic sister informs me that I will be taking you home with me and changing you into a vampire in…" *checks watch* "… eleven days. It involves me biting you in the throat and hopefully not killing you myself. Y'know… maybe I'll just have my dad do it, he's really a pro at this. You'll like him. No worries, though, the intractable pain only lasts three days and the newborn madness and bloodlust lasts only for about a year, tops. I would ask you to marry me, but I already heard you say yes (eventually) through Alice's visions- oh, I'm a mind reader by the way, that's how I did that- so here's your ring. Isn't it great? It was my mother's. My dad- the one who bit me, I mean, pried it off my dead mother's hand back in 1918. But now it's yours!"

Bella: *blinks, looks down at hand* Um, okay.

.

Well, whaddya know? It worked anyway. Still, I think the angst is more fun.


	10. reason to angst 927

Carlisle: I have faith in you, son. I know you would never hurt her.

Edward: *eyes shut tight* But I already have.

Carlisle: What? Is she all right?

Edward: *opens eyes* in Alice's visions. She's had sixteen visions to date in which I injure Bella… or worse.

Carlisle: Have any of them come to pass?

Edward: No.

Carlisle: So… you _didn't_ hurt her, then.

Edward: That's beside the point! Alice wouldn't have seen those visions if those futures hadn't been real!

Carlisle: *scratches head*

Edward: *head in hands*


	11. akward moment

Edward: I said NO, Jacob. She's just a child!

Jacob: She's never been JUST a child. And you're going to have to let go eventually.

Edward: She is NOT ready to make this kind of decision.

Jacob: geez, you act like I'm going to kidnap her or something! It's just a date!

Edward: (clenching teeth) You're perfectly able to spend an evening together here.

Jacob: (rolls eyes) yeah, so you can supervise, right?

Edward: She's my DAUGHTER!

Jacob: Funny, I seem to remember a time you thought she was a monster and you wanted to abort her?

Edward: You did too, Mr. Throw-it-out-the-Window!

Renesmee: (walks into room and freezes) What?!

Edward and Jacob: uhhhhmm….


	12. the hard way 372

Exhibit #372 of Edward Has to Learn Everything The Hard Way

Edward: We're leaving. Bella deserves to have a happy, healthy human life free of the stain of my presence and the danger we introduce.

Carlisle: I sometimes wonder what might have happened if I hadn't taken myself out of Esme's human life. A different circumstance, I admit; but could I have spared her the pain of ten years' worth of longing and unfulfilled dreams, a loveless marriage, several years of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, homelessness, the devastating loss of her child, and suicide? But the decision is yours, of course. You'll do the right thing.

Edward: As I said, we're leaving.


	13. the hard way 824

Exhibit #824 of Edward Has to Learn Everything The Hard Way

Step 1: Edward reads Romeo and Juliet 25 times.

Step 2: Edward sees Romeo kill himself before verifying that his true love is actually dead, and mocks him for his stupidity… 25 times.

Step 3: Edward hears over the phone, secondhand from a misinterpreted vision THAT DOESN'T EVEN SHOW HER DEATH, that Bella is dead.

Step 4: Edward breaks his phone, hops a plane, and enacts his suicide mission.

*facepalm*


	14. zap

Inspired by Kyilliki: Unfortunately it took newborn!Kate some time to learn control over her gift.

.

Kate: *reaches to shake hand* Nice to meet... Crap.  
Sasha: Again, darling? *shakes head*. Well, on the bright side, dinner is served!


	15. snack

So, even in my *real* headcanon Felix is in charge of "Human Resources" i.e. declaring his eternal love to every secretary in turn. He promises to speak to the Three about changing her after a couple years of exemplary service. It's the Volturi's way of ensuring that people like Gianna don't blab, and that they work hard every minute of their tenure. Of course Felix always has a nice snack in the end. Demetri is completely grossed out because he doesn't see the draw.

 **Aro:** Yes, Felix?  
 **Felix:** *slight bow* About Gianna, Master...  
 **Aro:** Is there a problem?  
 **Felix:** *sneaks peek over at Sulpicia who is standing there massaging Aro's neck* It's... rather delicate...  
 **Aro:** *holds hand out*  
 **Felix thoughts:** _She's getting old... her blood is practically past its expiration date, and I'm so thirsty! Please?!_  
 **Aro:** Ah, I understand, my old friend. And you are in luck; just this morning we engaged a new secretary. *Felix grins, runs out*  
 **Demetri, in hall:** Where are you off to, in such a hurry?  
 **Felix:** *holds up diamond ring* I'm proposing to Gianna, right now!  
 **Demetri:** You're disgusting.


	16. the hard way 102

Exhibit #102 of Edward Has To Learn Everything The Hard Way

Amun loves Kebi, changes her, and they live happily ever after.

Aro loves Sulpicia, changes her, and they live happily ever after.

Chelsea loves Afton, has Aro change him, and they live happily ever after.

Benjamin loves Tia, changes her, and they live happily ever after.

Carlisle changes Esme, finishes falling in love with her, and they live happily ever after.

Rosalie has Carlisle change Emmett for her, they fall in love, and they live happily ever after.

Makenna loves Charles, changes him, and they live happily ever after.

Edward loves Bella.

THIS IS A DISASTER THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD I AM SUCH A DESPICABLE MONSTER


	17. Carlisle is lonely

1663: Okay, I can do this. And surely there are others like me, who respect human life...

1700: Ah, Volterra! The cultural center of vampire society. Here, surely, I will find others like me.

1720: Perhaps in the New World I will find other like me.

1800: ...sigh

1900: ...

1918: you know what?!


	18. reason to angst 821

Reason to Angst #821

In Which Carlisle is fascinated by the telepathic bond between the members of the wolf pack. A joke with Haemophilus Leona on FF, who just began posting her canon EPOV version of Eclipse: Scorched Earth. I highly recommend!

—–

Carlisle: So, Jacob, does this telepathic phenomenon cause you to have any feelings of angst? Do you feel the burden of your knowledge as you struggle to navigate the boundaries with integrity? Do you feel an inexplicable need to prove yourself to your father, to lay your immense power down as an offering in an effort to conform yourself to his image? Do you feel inadequate in your trust, unworthy to wield this power?

Jacob: Um… no? I'm good.

Carlisle: *looks at Edward* Oh. It's just you, then.

Edward: *head in hands*


	19. gratitude

Emmett: Can you believe how many of our friends came to witness for Renesmee? This is so awesome!

Carlisle: It truly is. It warms my heart to see the selfless commitment that-

Emmett: We finally have enough people for regulation football!


	20. thanks a lot

I began Tale of Years back before I read the Guide, so I have Carlisle knowing the Denalis back in the 1800s. Therefore, this little snippet from his wedding day:

Edward (frowns, looking back at Denali coven): Nice ceremony. I'm happy for you.

Carlisle: What's wrong?

Edward: You do realize what this means, don't you? Now they're all going to be chasing _me_.

Carlisle: I _am_ sorry about that.

Edward:

Carlisle: Okay, not really.


	21. why they moved to Forks

Why did the Cullens move to Forks when they did? And did they really come from Alaska? Because if so...

(the scene opens with Edward storming into Carlisle/Eleazar's office, with Tanya hot on his heels and scrambling to get her robe on.)

.

Edward (slamming the door open): THIS IS NOT WORKING.

Carlisle (pinching bridge of his nose): Now what?

Tanya: I don't know what his problem is! I ask him to help me with a simple little favor, and he has to blow a gasket! What have you been feeding him, tazmanian devil blood?

Edward: A little favor? Is that what they're calling it now?!

Tanya: I don't think asking for help to hang a picture is too much to ask!

Carlisle: What-

Edward: You could have mentioned the minor fact that you weren't _dressed_ yet!

Tanya: I was in my _bedroom_! Why should I dress up on your account?

Edward: Because it's generally considered polite to wear clothing when calling someone into your bedroom!

Tanya: You're the telepath! If you didn't want to see, why did you come in?

Carlisle: Tanya, I don't-

Edward: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that I needed to mentally screen every room I walk into to make sure everyone is properly _clothed._

Carlisle: Now, Edward, if you-

Tanya: Oh, come on! It's not like you haven't seen me undressed a thousand times!

Edward: (grabs head) For the love of... stop it!

Tanya: (grins) Stop what?

Carlisle: Tanya, this is beyond childish. Whatever you're thinking about, would you PLEASE put an end to it?

Tanya: Oh, so now I have to _think_ a certain way in my own home?

Carlisle: If you want our continued company, yes.

Edward (rolls eyes): Oh, she wants it, all right.

Tanya: (sighs) Carlisle, I really don't know what to do with this boy. It's really very impolite to call on young ladies in their bedrooms, using one's telepathic gift to wait until the minute they're undressed...

Edward: *splutter*

Tanya (having fun now): Really, Edward! All you have to do is ask!

Carlisle: Tanya...

Tanya: What?! I would think that nearly a century would be a long enough time for you to instill a few manners in your own son! Although I suppose considering YOUR behavior back in 1845, that may be too much to ask.

Edward (easily distracted): Why? What happened in 1845?

Carlisle: Nothing. Now if you two would-

Tanya: Oh, come on Carlisle, don't be shy! It's really quite a funny story, Edward...

Carlisle: That's it. We're leaving.

Edward: Thank GOD. (storms out to pack)

Tanya: Why is everyone being so dramatic? (storms out to dress)

(Carlisle heaves a sigh of relief)

Esme: (pokes her head in the door, after listening to the whole thing) So, what happened in 1845?


	22. newborn

**Before anyone else asks, I don't know what happened in 1845 LOL! When I figure it out I'll drabble it :) Anyway, I'm sorry I'm falling behind on everyone's stories/PMs/reviews... we're in the process of moving and tomorrow we're flying out of town for an early Christmas with family. So while I would love to post the sweet Esme outtake in time for Christmas, I doubt it's going to happen... I probably won't have much down time until after the holidays. So I'll go ahead and wish everyone a very Merry Christmas and happy New Year 2016! :)**

* * *

I was so disappointed when Bella ended up being the super-newborn. Wouldn't this have been more fun?

.

 **Two milliseconds after waking up**

Edward: Ow! Carlisle, get her off me! Help!

.

 **In the nursery**

Bella: But it's been three days, and she's already changed so much! Just let me hold her!

Jacob (guarding crib): You're kidding, right?

.

 **In the backyard**

Bella: Wanna arm-wrestle again?

Emmett (backs away slowly): Um, I gotta wash my hair...

.

 **In Carlisle's study**

Carlisle: It's quite remarkable. I never thought that any vampire could be this clumsy.

Bella: Well, it's just a newborn thing, right? It'll get better?

Carlisle: I'm afraid not. I spoke with Eleazar and we are agreed that Supernatural Clumsiness is your gift. It's only going to worsen with the centuries.

Bella: Oh no! What am I supposed to do?!

Esme (gently): You can stay away from my house, darling. Far away.

.

 **In the garage**

Rosalie: Don't even think about going in my garage. And no, you may _not_ use your Ferrari.

.

 **In Forks**

Charlie: Oh my, Bells, what... uh, sharp... teeth you have?

.

 **In the cottage**

Edward: HELP!


	23. Carlisle dies

Carlisle's attack on Aro in film!BD2 was just so DUMB. Like why did everyone just stand there while he ran ahead by himself!?

*Carlisle runs*

Bella (inching forward): We have to help him!

Edward: No, he's got this. Carlisle is all things awesome and amazing and beneficent and semi-godlike and-

*Carlisle dies*

Bella: ...

Edward: ...

Edward: Well, crap.


	24. gift

**A little Christmas present for Haemophilus Leona :)**

* * *

Aro: Happy Christmas, brother!

Caius: (scowls and accepts wrapped box) Didn't I specifically demand that you never do this again?

Aro: Ah, but you will like this one, I promise. Open it!

Caius: (opens box) A... toenail. I'm speechless.

Aro: But not any toenail, Caius- the claw of a werewolf!

Caius: I can see that. I already have eight hundred of these.

Aro: No, no! This came straight from Washington State, if you take my meaning.

Caius: Oh! (peers closely at claw) Well. It will make a fine addition to my collection, then. Though it looks exactly like the others...

Aro: Caius, you are infuriatingly slow sometimes. Don't you realize what this means? We are safe from Alice's prying gift now!

Caius: (eyes widen) Oh. _Oh._ (decides to annihilate the Cullens tomorrow)

Aro: One moment, I have a text... (looks at phone) Oh, it's my dear friend Carlisle! He says... "Nice try." I wonder what that means?

Caius: It means your idiotic scheming has once again come to nothing. *tosses claw into trash can* Where did you buy that thing, on eBay?

Aro: (pouts) Maybe... but the seller promised it was a genuine shifter-wolf toenail, freshly clipped!

Caius: (grabs package) (snorts) This is postmarked from Siberia. I _told_ you it was from a Child of the Moon.

Aro: (looks at postmark) Hm... well... this is embarrassing. My apologies.

Caius: It's not a total loss. It looks like I'm going to Siberia for a little fun on the next full moon.

Aro: (brightens) Ah! That's plenty of time for your birthday present to arrive, then.

Caius: Just please tell me you didn't get it on eBay too. Or something equally stupid, like Silver Bullets R Us.

Aro: *bites lip*


	25. practice

**For Nickaroos :)**

 **So, in my recent 1918 outtake, Carlisle struggled with some major temptation when biting Edward and tasting human blood for the first time. Obviously he passed the test, because *He's Carlisle* and because Edward's still alive. But yeah, what would it look like if he *properly* prepared himself for this by carefully tasting some blood at work over the last couple years? It would get easier every time... maybe a little too easy.**

 **First Try**

Carlisle: I can do this, I can do this... *taste* *EATS ENTIRE TEST TUBE*

.

 **Second Try**

Carlisle: Nurse, that'll be all, I'll finish up here...

Nurse: Have a good evening, Doctor.

Carlisle: *looks over shoulder* *looks down at sleeping patient* *sticks IV tube in mouth like a straw* *growls*

Patient: HELP!

.

 **Third Try**

Carlisle: *withdraws needle after injection* *licks fingers*

Patient: Um, why are you tasting my blood?

Carlisle: Ah, yes, well, throughout history, physicians have always determined health by the color, scent, taste and viscosity of various specimens...

Patient: Oh. Okay. So what is my blood... telling you?

Carlisle: Needs garlic.

.

 **Fourth Try (now several times a day)**

Random doc: Cullen, what ARE you doing?

Carlisle: *yanks finger out of mouth* Mmm, nothing... *walks away whistling*


	26. territory

**This is a parody of a scene I was working on today, in which Edward and Rosalie are (yet again) fighting over the bathroom. Their yelling finally got loud enough for everyone else to come upstairs and intervene.**

 **Esme:** But I don't understand- we have three bathrooms in this house!

 **Edward:** This is the only one with an exhaust fan.

 **Rosalie:** You're a guy! Go wash your hair in the stupid kitchen sink!

 **Edward:** *baring teeth* How would you like to find yourself with _no_ hair?

 **Emmett:** If you threaten her like that again, you'll find yourself with no face!

 **Esme:** Please don't fight! I'll put in more exhaust fans. No, wait, I'll just build four more bathrooms!

 **Jasper:** Carlisle, everyone's getting upset. Would you please solve this?

 **Carlisle:** I'm torn. On one hand, Edward is my favorite child, but on the other hand, Rosalie always guilts me into getting her way...

 **Alice:** *eyes glaze over* Yep, that's how it ends.

 **Rosalie:** Well, can we just skip to that part, then?!

 **Edward:** You wish!

 **Jasper:** I think we should all sit down and discuss our feelings regarding the shower situation.

 **Emmett:** Can I go first? I feel like punching Edward.

 **Rosalie:** Me too.

 **Alice:** Me three! You don't mess with a woman's hair, Edward!

 **Carlisle:** Me four. I feel strangely furious...

 **Jasper:**

 **Esme:** Where's Jasper?

 ***bathroom door slams shut***

 **~moral: never trust an empath with long hair~**


	27. the next step

**So you know how vampire gifts can grow over the centuries? Well, Carlisle's compassion isn't quite a gift, but one fateful day he calls a Family Meeting...**

* * *

 **Carlisle:** *wearing sunglasses* I have something very important to share with you all.

 **Jasper:** *nods* It's understandable. We all fall off the wagon at some point.

 **Rosalie:** Yessss! This bumps me up to The #1 Most Controlled Vampire of All Time!

 **Edward:** *pinches bridge of nose* It's not what you think, just wait.

 **Carlisle:** You misunderstand me. I have not "slipped", as you so delicately put it. My compassion has simply grown to the point where I can no longer bear to hurt innocent animals for my own sustenance. Science has shown us that animals are perfectly capable of feeling pain and loss, even grief in some cases. And while we have only identified rudimentary sentience in some few higher-order species, Star Trek 4 suggests that our methodology is lacking. So as my compassion has grown, and my understanding of personhood evolves, I can no longer therefore, in good conscience, continue to hunt even the lowliest of animals simply to nourish myself.

 **Emmett:** You lost me.

 **Esme:** *awe* *love* He's never going to feed again. I will support you, my love, in your new quest.

 **Carlisle:** Alas, our kind is incapable of that extremity. But... *takes off sunglasses*

 **Everyone:** Um.

 **Emmett:** Dude, your eyes are fluorescent _green._ What'd you eat, caterpillars?

 **Carlisle:** As I said, I now feel obliged to hold sacred the life of even the lowliest animal.

 **Alice:** *peeks ahead* Uh oh...

 **Carlisle:** I now subsist purely on the juices of fruits and vegetables. It's quite simple, really; more negative pressure is required to extract the juices from the firmer vegetables, but the bite-and-suck model still applies. It's much better when the produce in question is still "alive" on the vine, tree, or what have you. I hypothesize that the vivid green hue is due to the chlorophyll.

 **Bella:** You know, I think I could do this. I'm a natural at everything.

 **Carlisle:** I'm gratified to hear that. As the head of this coven and household, I will do my best to help you all in this transition.

 **Everyone:**

 **Jasper:** I'm sorry, what?

 **Edward:** *begins vegetable-angst period of his life*

 **Emmett:** Did he just say WE have to start * $ &# juicing too?

 **Carlisle:** Naturally.

 **Esme:** Dear, when I said I would support you...

 **Carlisle:** *arm around Esme* Yes, love?

 **Esme:** I lied.


	28. the Volturi in America

**I'm hoping to (somewhat) soon write the next chapter of Second Meeting, in which the Volturi prepare for the showdown in BD. Which raises the question, how on earth did they *get* to the Olympic Peninsula?**

* * *

 **Customs officer:** Just lay your cloak on the conveyor belt, sir.

 **Caius:** *scowls* That's "Master" to you.

 **Customs officer:** Ohhhhkay. And put your keys in this basket.

 **Caius:** *scowls* *deposits mini-flamethrower in basket*

 **Customs officer:** Anything to declare?

 **Caius:** I have nothing to declare but this WEREWOLF-TOOTH-STUDDED SWORD! *brandishes sword in film!Aragorn style*

 **Customs officer:** *draws gun* *screams for backup*

 **Aro:** *pinches bridge of nose* I told you to leave that at home, did I not?


	29. how Edward got his concert grand piano

**So, in silly-canon this is what happened the next day after the "Recital" outtake I posted last week...**

* * *

 **Edward:** Esme, I'm... home... why is my piano moved 3 centimeters from where it was before?

 **Esme:** Hmm? Oh, no reason...

 **Edward:** And why is your scent all over it? *sniffs* and Carlisle's?

 **Esme:** *furiously concentrates on laundry all of a sudden*

 **Edward:** NO YOU DID NOT.


	30. awkward moment II

**That line from Edward when he said goodbye to Jacob and Renesmee was so weird haha! And even funnier when you mix book and movie dialogue:**

.

 **Edward:** Goodbye Jacob, my brother... my son.

.

(Next day)

 **Jacob:** Should I start calling you Dad?

 **Edward:** No.

 **Jacob:** But you laid your head on my shoulder and you said-

 **Edward:** THAT NEVER HAPPENED.


	31. you think you've got it bad

**Billy:** You have no idea what it's like to be eaten out of house and home by a pack of ravenous teenage werewolves.

 **Carlisle:** There is very little eating, I concede, but have you ever tried parenting a houseful of teenagers for an entire century, when those teenagers are completely incapable of psychosocial growth?

 **Billy:** Trade?

 **Carlisle:** YES.


	32. enough

**Carlisle:** Honey, I'm- *trips over stack of magazines* *trips over half-dissected radio* *trips over auto parts* *trips over video game system* *trips over piano*

 **Esme:** (from laundry room) Dear, watch out for the piano, Edward moved it again!

 **Carlisle:** Why do we have to have all these kids anyway?!

 **Esme:** You're the one who keeps biting people, dear.


	33. whatever you do don't tell Carlisle

**July 28, 1975**

 **Carlisle:** Emmett, what are you hiding behind your back?

 **Emmett:** What? Nothing...

 **Jasper:** *muttering under his breath* I told you to burn it before he got home!

 **Carlisle:** Well?

 **Emmett:** *sigh* *hands National Geographic magazine over*

 **Carlisle:** *reads* Oh, this is unfortunate... four species of North American Grizzly Bears have been added to the Threatened Species list. Naturally, this means we won't be hunting them for the next few decades.

 **Emmett:** *cries*


	34. Midnight Sunstroke pg 78

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts)

 **Edward:** I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper- just horsing around. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper…

 **Jasper:** *gigglesnort*

 **Edward:** No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.

 **Jasper:** LOL LOL LOL


	35. no offense

**Inspired by Haemophilus Leona's latest chapter of** ** _Frozen Fire_** **(Edward's POV of Eclipse), which covered the second training scene.**

* * *

 **Bella:** Emmett told me how Jasper wiped the floor with you earlier today.

 **Edward:** I don't want to talk about that.

 **Bella:** And I see that Alice beat you in two seconds flat.

 **Edward:** Nobody can beat Alice.

 **Bella:** And Carlisle tripped you.

 **Edward:** That was totally Jasper's fault.

 **Bella:** And then you totally flaked out when you were fighting Esme...

 **Edward:** I'm a gentleman!

 **Bella:** And then Jasper kicked your butt again...

 **Edward:** What's your point?

 **Bella:** That it's a reeeeally good thing you're sitting out.


	36. midnight sunstroke pg 8

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts)

* * *

 **Edward:** No doubt, when I did decipher her thoughts- and I _would_ find a way to do so- they would be just as petty and trivial as any human's thoughts. Not worth the effort I would expend to reach them.

 **Bella:** Actually I was just losing myself in your butterscotch topaz caramel liquid gold eyes and reflecting on your likeness to a Greek god despite your boyish, lanky beauty.

 **Edward:** Yep.


	37. midnight sunstroke pg 151

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts)

* * *

 **Edward:** We both knew that Rosalie would do anything, give up anything, if it meant she could be human again. Even Emmett.

 **Emmett:** Wait, what? No she wouldn't. You're dumb.

 **Edward:** Sorry, but I specifically heard it in her thoughts on May 16, 1973, and I quote, "I would do anything, give up anything, if it meant I could be human again."

 **Rosalie:** Not _Emmett,_ you moron! Don't you know how this thing works?!

 **Emmett:** LOL this kid's hilarious! Do another one, Eddie!

 **Edward:** *scowl*


	38. checkmate

**For Haemophilus Leona, because she's awesome for tackling not only New Moon and Eclipse in Edward's POV, but Breaking Dawn as well! *excited* (p.s. apologies to Disney and the 1951!Queen of Hearts)**

* * *

 **Renesmee:** Um... rook takes bishop.

 **Jasper:** Excellent move. Even if you lose the rook, the blockade is broken so you can attack my king on two fronts at once.

 **Renesmee:** Okay, your turn.

 **Jasper:** *thinks*

 **Jasper:** Queen takes rook.

 **Renesmee:** Do the voices!

 **Jasper:** No.

 **Renesmee:** Pleeeease Uncle Jasper?

 **Emmett:** Yeah, do the voices, Uncle Jasper! *grins* *holds phone up ready to take video*

 **Renesmee:** *puppy eyes*

 **Jasper:** *sigh*

 **Jasper:** *glares at Emmett*

 **Renesmee:** YAY! *claps*

 **Jasper:** *clears throat*

 **Jasper:** OFF WITH HIS HEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD! BY ORDER OF THE KING, YOU HEARD WHAT SHE SAID!


	39. hotline

**So you know my whole drabble where Carlisle simply called Volterra to clear up the whole "immortal child" misunderstanding? I mean why DON'T they have an emergency hotline for vamps to call if their intervention is suddenly needed? Well it turns out they did try it once...**

 **.**

 **July 29, 1973**

 **Alec:** The project is complete, Master. Our new telephone system is installed and the number has been circulated to all reachable nomads and covens.

 **Aro:** Splendid! Now our loyal subjects will be able to call on us when emergencies arise, and we will be even more revered!

 **Caius:** This is the worst idea ever.

 **Aro:** Oh come, Caius, you needn't pout over every new step of progress. You'll be busier than ever now. I can't wait to receive our first telephone call!

 **.**

 ***RING***

 **Garrett:** Anonymous tip! There's a newborn loose in Area 51!

 ***RING***

 **Garrett (in Spanish):** Hello, is this the Volturi? There's an epic battle going on between the Guatemalan and Ecuadorian covens! I just saw it on the humans' television.

 ***RING***

 **Garrett (in Swahili):** I just wanted to check, immortal children are allowed, yes? Because I just made ten of them.

 ***RING***

 **Garrett (in Swedish):** Can anything be done about the three separate packs of werewolves who keep trespassing on my territory?

 **.**

 ***RING***

 **Emmett:** Hello?

 **Garrett:** GUESS WHAT. The Volturi have an emergency hotline now. This is literally the best thing ever.

 **Emmett:** Sweet. Think I could convince them that there's a Romanian vampire agent embedded in NASA?

 **Garrett:** I don't see why not.

 **.**

 **And that's why the Volturi don't give out their phone number anymore.**


	40. midnight sunstroke pg 17

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts)

* * *

 **Edward:** Where was Alice, I suddenly wondered? Hadn't she seen me killing the Swan girl in a multitude of ways? Why hadn't she come to help- to stop me or help me clean up the evidence, whichever? Was she absorbed with watching for trouble with Jasper that she'd missed this much more horrific possibility? Was I stronger than I thought? Would I really not have done anything to the girl? No. I knew that wasn't true. Alice must be concentrating on Jasper very hard.

 **Alice:** Silly boy, I check your future every 0.17 seconds. You were never going to kill anyone.

 **Edward:** Yes I was.

 **Alice:** Was not. You're stronger than you think. You're almost as strong as Carlisle.

 **Edward:** *head in hands* No I am not. He is brightest day and I am blackest-

 **Alice:** I wonder if I should have worn the tan pumps with this skirt?


	41. alpha

**Inspired by Haemophilus Leona's latest chapter of _Frozen Fire_ (her Edward Eclipse), which covers the Victoria/newborn stuff, with Edward being super immersed in the pack mind. Anyway it's cool because he's SO immersed that he actually feels a compulsion to obey Sam's Alpha commands. So just imagine the prank potential once Alpha!Jacob hears about this. (alpha commands in all caps)**

.

 **Feeding baby Renesmee**

 **Jacob:** _It would be a shame if you were to accidentally EMPTY THAT BLOOD BAG ONTO ROSALIE'S HEAD_

.

 **At Charlie's house**

 **Jacob:** _Charlie is gonna kill you if you ROOT FOR THE YANKEES_

.

 **Sparring in the woods**

 **Jacob:** _I really think you should TELL PAUL HE'S A PINK POODLE PUPPY_

.

 **Six Years Later**

 **Jacob:** _It would be awesome if you would LET ME TAKE YOUR DAUGHTER ON A DATE_


	42. road trip

**Thank you to staringatthesky for this plot funnybunny! Basically, an AU in which the Cullens made a run for it in BD instead of standing there waiting for the Volturi to come kill them. The Volturi are forced to rent a bus and embark on a road trip, chasing the Cullens all over North America. Demetri is driving since he's following their mental trail.**

 **Felix:** Are we there yet?

 **Afton:** Why would the Cullens have made a pit stop at the Mall of America?

 **Santiago:** I'm sick of country music! Can't we listen to some Latin Pop?

 **Jane:** IF YOU TOUCH THAT DIAL I WILL BURN YOU ALIVE.

 **Sulpicia:** Ooh look, there is another WalMart! Let's stop and have a look.

 **Aro:** *miserable* They're all the same, dearest.

 **Sulpicia:** Well, we won't know that unless we stop and make sure, will we?

 **Demetri:** Alec, for the love of Zeus will you please take away my hearing so I can concentrate?

 **Alec:** *tries*

 ***bus swerves on highway***

 **Demetri:** NO I NEED MY VISION STOP IT

 **Felix:** Are we there yet?

 **Athenodora:** I don't see why we couldn't have done this in the airplane.

 **Corin:** I don't believe they allow airplanes on the highways here, my lady.

 **Athenodora:** What a wretched country! I'm going to drink the blood of their king for this.

 **Demetri:** Uh oh. I think they went into this forest to hunt squirrels or whatever.

 **Heidi:** *rustling through highway maps* There's no road through the forest here.

 **Marcus:** Good, can we go home now?

 **Caius:** NO! We are not giving up! All you Guards get out and carry the bus through the woods!

 **Chelsea:** I do _not_ carry buses. *alters Caius' loyalty* Get out and carry it yourself!

 **Caius:** Yes Ma'am!

 **Felix:** Are we there yet?


	43. on second thought

**After the Volturi are gone in Eclipse...**

* * *

 **Carlisle:** I'm off to see to Jacob's wounds. I could use your help, Edward.

 **Edward:** No way. I hate that mutt.

 **Carlisle:** But he and his fellow wolves just risked their lives for Bella... for us.

 **Edward:** Still hate him. And he smells bad.

 **Carlisle:** We'll be making history, crossing the line in cooperation and goodwill.

 **Edward:** Nope.

 **Carlisle:** Just think of the challenge! This chance to study werewolf physiology!

 **Edward:** Have fun.

 **Carlisle:** Plus I need you to help me rebreak half the bones in Jacob's body.

 **Edward:**

 **Edward:** I'll drive.


	44. midnight sunstroke pg 254

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts)

.

 **Edward:** I grinned at him, feeling more enthusiastic about my plan now that he was on board. Rosalie was a pain, but I would always owe her one for choosing Emmett; no one had a better brother than mine.

 **Jasper:** What am I, chopped liver?

 **Edward:** *growl* You got demoted to brother-in-law when you started plotting to murder Bella.

 **Jasper:** They all shrivel up and die regardless. What's a mere 70 years too early?

 **Edward:** And I don't see you helping me set up Ben and Angela.

 **Jasper:** They have names?


	45. habit

**Athenodora:** ...and that's why we have to start writing yearly grants in order to keep the castle on the Historic Sites list.

 **Aro:** sigh *pinches bridge of nose in frustration*

 **Marcus:** What on earth are you doing?

 **Aro:** Oh, just a silly little habit I picked up from Edward's mind last week.

 **Caius:** It looks pathetic. This is what you get for touching every filthy little plebian mind you come across.

 **Aro:** And I feel a strange urge to go shopping at a high-end boutique...

 **Sulpicia:** Ooh can I come shopping too?

 **Aro:** LOL no


	46. stalker

**Requested by Leona- what if Alice had tried to call the Cullens now and then, back before she and Jasper joined them?**

* * *

 **Carlisle:** Hello?

 **Alice:** Hi you don't know me, um, yet, but DON'T let Emmett go to school today. He's going to eat someone.

 **Carlisle:** *frown* Who is this?

 **Alice:** Just trust me, okay? *click*

 **Carlisle:** That was different...

.

 **Edward:** Hello?

 **Alice:** ARE YOU KIDDING ME, PLAID FLANNEL DOES NOT GO WITH DRESS PANTS. ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?! *click*

 **Edward:** It's that stalker girl again, they've got a visual on us somehow! We've got to move!

.

 **Rosalie** (now in New Hampshire): Hello?

 **Alice:** Just a tip, Edward's going to be horrible to you when he comes home, but he's had a really bad day, so-

 **Rosalie:** It's the stalker again!

 **Emmett:** It has to be the Volturi... but we haven't done anything wrong, have we?

 **Carlisle:** We'd better leave the country just in case.

.

 **Esme:** (now in Siberia) Hello?

 **Alice:** For heaven's sake, Esme, you didn't have to move to Siberia! I'm your daughter, my name-

 **Esme:** AUGH! STALKER AGAIN!


	47. why didn't you say so in the first place

**In which Alice and Jasper send Peter and Charlotte to go witness for Renesmee.**

* * *

 **Jasper:** Hey we need a favor

 **Jasper:** Can you guys run eight hundred miles to our house in Forks?

 **Jasper:** Edward just got married to a human but accidentally got her pregnant and now I have this weird hybrid niece-in-law who was born with a full set of teeth and Irina is mad at us because some werewolves killed her true love so she ran to the Volturi and told them we have an immortal child so now they're coming to kill us all so we need you to come witness for us that she's not a monster who needs to be killed. I won't be there myself since we'll be vacationing in South America but we need all the help we can get because you gotta admit it looks bad. I mean it's not like you _have_ to stay and die with the family, just witness, although I would remind you that I've saved your butt ten times whereas you've only saved mine eight times so please.

 **Charlotte:** ... No?

 **Peter:** Good grief the animal blood is driving him crazy faster than I thought.

 **Jasper:** Look I'll probably be dead in a couple weeks so I'll bequeath my new Ducati to you guys if you do this.

 **Peter:** okay


	48. mail

**I posted this a couple weeks ago on Tumblr, and it's taken me this long to decide where to post it here. It doesn't really fit here in the Drabbles since it's real headcanon (vs. pure silliness), but it fits less in the Outtakes (not a prequel) and I just need to post it somewhere for posterity before it gets lost forever in internet-land :)**

* * *

 **A typical day's haul from the Cullen mailbox:**

-fashion/home magazines from around the world

-tax forms under various false names for various investments

-a postcard from Peter and Charlotte from wherever they visited recently

-Carlisle's 500 medical journal subscriptions

-progress notes from Emmett's privately funded research lab (he's always trying to make admantium for sports equipment)

-monthly bills from several storage units around North America

-Pastor Cullen's cross back on the day Alistair FINALLY found it

-a new rental agreement for Edward's Chicago house that he has to sign as the landlord

-endless car show stuff for Rosalie

-Jasper's latest correspondence course (He likes doing something on paper since he spends so much time online erasing their electronic trails. This one is on the Tang Dynasty.)

-blueprints waiting for Esme's approval (she's fixing up one of the houses they're keeping long-term because it's now on the Historic Sites tour in whatever town)

-messily-scribbled notes from one of Carlisle's nerdy doctor-friends he's keeping in touch with (she's a hematologist researching blood substitutes)

-first edition books Bella's been buying on Ebay to build her own library

-a handmade glass jaguar figurine that Edward commissioned for Renesmee (she finally visited Auntie Zafrina last spring and is doing her room up like the Amazon)

-cute handmade cards from one of the random orphanages they fund


	49. midnight sunstroke pg 3-4

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts in MS)

* * *

 **Edward:** I didn't enjoy listening to Jasper's struggles. Was it really necessary to experiment like this?

 **Edward:** It was ridiculous to take risks like this, trying to test his strength, to build his endurance. Jasper should just accept his limitations and work within them.

 **Jasper:** This is gonna be really funny in about two weeks.


	50. good luck with that

**Carlisle:** *holding baby Renesmee* I hope she grows up to be just like you... that you can know something of what it's been like to be your father all these years.

 **Edward:** Aw

 **Edward:** Wait, did you mean that in a good way or in a bad way?

 **Carlisle:** Yes.


	51. midnight sunstroke pg 9

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts in MS)

* * *

 **Edward:** I headed off for my junior level biology class, preparing my mind for the tedium. It was doubtful Mr. Banner, a man of no more than average intellect, would manage to pull out anything in his lecture that would surprise someone holding two graduate degrees in medicine.

 **Carlisle:** Such as the fact that condoms can prevent pregnancy?

 **Edward:** *stares at cracks in the ceiling*


	52. a very cullen christmas

**Merry Christmas everyone! :)**

* * *

 **Emmett:** YASSS LIVE CAIMAN IN MY STOCKING! BABE YOU'RE THE BEST!

 **Edward:** *unwraps book* Boundaries, by Cloud  & Townsend. Gee, thanks Jasper.

 **Jasper:** *frown* The rest of the series is in the mail.

 **Renesmee:** Our gift to everyone is SURPRISE WE'RE PREGNANT!

 **Jacob:** With twins!

 **Carlisle:** Gifted twins, according to my preliminary findings. It seems that their blood is destined to be the cure for some planetwide disaster due to occur in approximately two years.

 **Edward:** *blue screen of death*

 **Jasper:** *opens envelope with tickets* I... didn't know they had made a musical from Gone with the Wind.

 **Alice:** It's going to be soooo fun! I'm dressing up as Scarlett and you're going to wear your Confederate uniform!

 **Jasper:** No I'm _not_.

 **Alice:** *sings* haha yes you are!

 **Jasper:** okay

 **Edward:** *regifts Boundaries book back to Jasper*

 **Charlie:** So when's Christmas dinner?

 **Bella:** Oh, we'll just grab a bite later...

 **Esme:** My gift to everyone is their own bathroom. Surely you can't fight over them if we have ten.

 **Rosalie:** Why is Edward's bathroom closer to the bedrooms than mine?! We're switching.

 **Emmett:** *wrestles caiman*

.

 **meanwhile, in Volterra...**

 **Caius:** Another toenail?!


	53. midnight sunstroke pg 3

(if everyone could hear Edward's awesome thoughts in MS)

* * *

 **Edward:** I fought back the grimace that would give her lie away. We had to stick together, Alice and I. It wasn't easy, hearing voices or seeing visions of the future. Both freaks among those who were already freaks.

 **Aro:** If you would both come and join our little company here in Volterra, you wouldn't have that problem, now would you?

 **Alice:** He does have a point.

 **Jasper:** Why am I always left out of these things?


	54. overprotective

I'm sure Edward's tendency toward overprotection is largely due to Jasper's. But the funny thing is, in Jasper's case it never seems to work?

* * *

 **1950**

 **Jasper:** These Cullens sound nice but you don't know vampires like I do. We need to keep our distance.

 **Alice:** You're right, it would be crazy to go put myself in danger with a vampire I've never met just because my visions said it was my destiny.

 **Jasper:** Hi everyone we're here to join the fam

.

 **In Calgary**

 **Jasper:** Maria's coming?! You're staying a million miles away from this.

 **Alice:** But if I don't meet her how am I going to be able to use my gift for surveillance in the future?

 **Jasper:** *scowl* I hate when you get all realistic.

.

 **Twilight**

 **Jasper:** I won't allow Alice to live in danger. This Bella kid is toast.

 **Alice:** Don't you dare, she's my new best friend!

 **Jasper:** toast aborted ma'am

.

 **New Moon**

 **Jasper:** Over my dead body are you going _alone_ to Volterra!

 **Alice:** lol I'm already on the plane

.

 **Eclipse:**

 **Jasper:** *rawr* No newborns near my Alice!

 **Alice:** Would you stop getting in my way?!

 **Jasper:** *gets bitten up like a chew toy*

.

 **Breaking Dawn Part 1**

 **Jasper:** Listen, when the birth starts I want you out of the house. I'll take care of the mini-monster.

 **Alice:** What do you think for the baby's wallpaper? Bunnies or ducks?

 **Jasper:** *sigh* ducks.

.

 **Breaking Dawn Part 2**

 **Jasper:** Escape to South America and safety while everyone else gets killed? I mean wow, but it's nice to see you finally taking the danger so ser-

 **Alice:** Silly, we're just looking for backup! We're going right back.

 **Jasper:** The hell we are! You're safe here!

 **Jasper:** Hey guys we're back. What, did you think we would just abandon you?


	55. lent

**I'm back and I missed you all! :)**

* * *

 **Edward:** I'm observing Lent this year. It's been a while.

 **Carlisle:** Oh?

 **Edward:** I'm thinking of giving up mountain lions.

 **Carlisle:** To what end?

 **Edward:** You're right, that wouldn't be sacrificial enough. I need to give up all carnivores.

 **Carlisle:** *frown* Edward, I'm not sure that's-

 **Edward:** All big game, really. I can survive well enough on the blood of foxes and stray cats.

 **Carlisle:** Edward

 **Edward:** I suppose squirrels would be enough... maybe a rabbit or two on Sundays...

 **Carlisle:** EDWARD

 **Edward:** *head in hands* I know, I _know._ Fine, I'll give up blood all together. It's only 40 days. I can do that. You went longer than that as a _newborn,_ after all, it's a mere... *fists tighten in hair*... three million, four hundred and fifty-six thousand seconds-

 **Carlisle:** Son _breathe_. You're completely missing the-

 **Edward:** *hyperventilates* oxygen too?!


	56. top ten

**Someone on Tumblr asked me for a Top Ten list of vampire gifts that Aro would like to have. Writing it was way too fun not to post for posterity, and since it's half real headcanon and half sillycanon I'll put it here in the Drabbles. Enjoy :)**

* * *

1\. **Supernatural storyteller** : I mentioned the need for vampire skalds the other day, but Aro wants a *magic* storyteller, one that's a bit Renesmee-ish. This person can tweak the senses to experience the story being told. You taste the salt air when you hear about a sea voyage, see the beautiful pollution-inspired sunsets when you haven't looked out of a window for 800 years, smell the burning flesh of the protagonists in the _Lay of the Last Libishomen_ (um, that's Caius' favorite, I guess?), and best of all: this storytelling vampire can make you taste _and enjoy_ the food she remembers sampling back in her human traveling days. You might think Aro doesn't need this gift because of his own, but his "experiences" via others' minds are more observant and flat than what he hopes to achieve here. Of course the storyteller can't be _too_ powerful; pure hypnosis presents an assassination risk.

2\. **Eyes and Ears:** I have to agree with Kyilliki on this one. Aro wants the ability to peek in on anyone, anytime, anywhere. Realistically, if he ever got a hold of Alice this is what he would use her for 99% of the time. He knows enough about the subjective caveats of her gift to be skeptical of its usefulness in true large-scale future-predicting, and sadly he's fresh out of wars to fight at the moment anyway. But all he would have to do is have Caius and Demetri take her on a world tour and meet everyone he knows, and then she'd theoretically be able to "latch" onto any of them, in that "immediate future" way she has of spying on people she's familiar with.

3\. **Pain Management Specialist:** If Aro ever finds this person, they'll be gift wrapped and given to Caius as a birthday present. Aro isn't really all that interested in torture himself (besides the evil-scientist kind), but he does feel rather sad for Caius that the Volturi actually only have Jane's gift to use for this. (Alec's is creepier, but it doesn't make people scream enough) Anyway, this person can actually access his target's pain history, and not just physical pain either. The most horrible memories are brought up to relive, worst fears feel imminent, etc. I'm totally borrowing this from chapter 16 of Haemophilus Leona's fic _Saudade_ , in which Jane's gift operates this way. But in giving this gift to another vampire, Aro gets to double Caius' interrogation arsenal, plus Jane gets taken down a notch, which is long overdue.

4\. **X-ray vision:** Let's be honest: dissecting vampires is hard, and dissecting werewolves smells really terrible. Aro needs a living, breathing MRI machine for his research. The coolest thing about this person is that they don't just give him a fuzzy gray image or colored dots- it's like that old Adam software where you can peel away the layers "in vivo".

5\. **Miracle Healer:** Automatic tissue regeneration is cool, but Aro wants a vampire who can touch a vampire's severed arm and regrow the missing hand itself. He misses the Didyme Days when pilgrims flocked to Volterra (or wherever they lived back then) just to bask in her aura; having a humanitarian (vampiritarian?) talent or two like this on hand would make Volterra a positive destination again, not just a negative one. Caius argues that he doesn't want more useless visitors, but he can't deny it would be handy to be able to replace his Guards' limbs when he gets a little too carried away with his Fireside Chats.

6\. **I have no idea what to call this** , but Aro wants a vampire who can examine any work of art and then go home and duplicate it perfectly. But even that's not good enough; he wants to find a person who can extract a piece of art from someone's memory and duplicate it from _that_. Aro can steal all he wants, but he can't go back and un-burn the stuff he didn't have time to save from the Library of Alexandria. ("Perhaps you shouldn't have started that stupid fire in the first place," Athenodora says every time this comes up. "Nobody's perfect," Aro always replies.)

7\. **Gift-Finder:** Nope, I don't mean another Eleazar. I mean someone who can discreetly look your wife in the eye and _know_ what she wants for an anniversary gift. This vampire is Super Needed after Aro's faux pas last year of giving his beloved Sulpicia a lifetime suscription to _Girls and Corpses_.

8\. **Gift-Dampener:** You guys know I don't like super-powered OCs. The only powerful OC I want is one whose proximity temporarily shuts off all gifts within a certain radius. Emphasis on _temporarily_ , because otherwise that would be a superpower, now wouldn't it? Anyway, this one is only on Aro's list because it turns out this is exactly what Sulpicia wants for her anniversary gift: a month-long second honeymoon during which Aro has no clue what she's thinking.

9\. **Changeling:** Um, better employ that #7 gift again, Aro. Turns out what Marcus wanted for Christmas was _not_ a vampire who can alter their cellular structure to look and smell like Didyme.

10\. **Supernatural Materials Engineer:** Because of the risk of this genius vampire developing those cool vampire-tissue weapons that are always popping up in fanfics, they'll only be alive long enough to invent the best possible noise-reduction technology ever. Volterra's inner walls might be "sound-proof" to human ears, but they're not good enough yet.


	57. animals

**What if animals could be turned into vampires too?**

* * *

 **Lil' Renesmee:** Yay, a puppy that will live forever!

 **Emmett:** *immediately travels to Kodiak Island*

 **Vladimir:** Gifted shmifted. The Volturi will fall before our army of vampire _vampire_ bats MWA HA!

 **Charlotte:** Peter, from now on let's only hang out with vampire animals, not people.

 **Peter:** okay

 **Garrett:** *rides past on undead stallion* The Volturi are coming! The Volturi are coming!

 **Aro:** You plebians are so quaint, pardon me while I prance circles around you on my _immortal unicorn_

 **Caius:** *zooms overhead on his vampire dragon*


	58. my true love

So this year, the Cullens decided to celebrate the Twelve Days of Christmas.

You know where this is headed, right?

Yeah. Nobody noticed the new pear tree planted half a mile out behind the house on Christmas Day, or at least pretended not to. And on Tuesday, it wasn't completely outside the norm to hear a little dovesong in the morning. But then day 3 hit.

 **Esme:** I could swear I just heard a chicken squawking… in the attic.

 **Edward:** *pinches bridge of nose* *everyone looks at Emmett*

 **Emmett:** What? It's cold outside!

And so on. Emmett had arranged for the four calling birds to literally "call," as in arrive via FedEx. Rosalie, Alice, Esme, Bella, and Renesmee found new gold rings under the Christmas tree this morning.

 **Esme:** These are very nice, Emmett, but I don't want my house turning into a menagerie. Do you have any idea how destructive thirteen geese and swans are going to be?

 **Jasper:** Who cares about swans? I just don't want anyone blaming me when I accidentally take a nip out of a milk maid or a dancing lady.

 **Carlisle:** And where do you intend to get ten lords of any title? This is America.

 **Emmett:** You guys are way over thinking this.


End file.
